if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Never let them know your next move 😂
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.