Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
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Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.