teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk