Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.