I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
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“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.