Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.