It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.