“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!