Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath