[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
*updates tinder bio*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Great acting.. 😂
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.