My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what