I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
bury ourselves
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes