her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
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Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
If you had more money you’d be happier.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.