Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”