I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
You Might Also Like
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.