[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.