I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.