The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
much to think about
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.