My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
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ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Hitlers gonna hitl