Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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#Caturday
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.