*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.