My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”