Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
we’re gonna need another temp
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.