Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?