My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”