Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Sunday
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Two types of dogs.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.