I don’t think my car can fly
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My purse is deeper than some people.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time