*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
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*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.