I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
doing some research
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
asking santa clause for nudes
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.