*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
You Might Also Like
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me My dog
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The biggest mystery of our time
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.