*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
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Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills