MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?