no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.