Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great