HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
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[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert