Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.