My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
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Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
It’s actually Dr. whatever
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs