People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me