You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.