BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.