My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
channeling her this year
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.