one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?