I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No