The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Note to self: always read the final line
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.