my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do