me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.