*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
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2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
they really do be looking like this
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Humor: the only thing I like dry.