[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
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ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Just a bush.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Damn what did I do next
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them