The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.