Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.